Strength for the Journey: Finding Joy in the Midst of Deep Sorrow-Part 1

The morning of Friday July 26, 2019 will forever be etched in my memory as one of the hardest days of my life.

To give context to the story, I have to back track a couple days to Wednesday July 24. We had been home for almost 4 weeks, during which we had ups and downs, good days and some not so good with Ellison having difficulty breathing very frequently. The Home Health nurse had come that morning taking Ellison’s vitals and to draw labs here at home. Then she told us the labs she had drawn the previous Thursday had returned showing his hemoglobin was low, probably contributing to his difficulty breathing. So she advised us to go to the hospital if difficulty continued, saying she was sure they would need to give him blood to bring the levels up again. We made the decision to get ready and call for the Ambulance.

Upon arriving at the hospital, taken to the ER, they began examination, doing blood work etc. They found his heart enzyme levels to be elevated, which caused enough concern they put him on the Heart floor in the hospital. The following morning they did a heart echocardiogram to examine his heart. Keep in mind Ellison had pretty much every kind of Dr under the sun, but no cardiologist because he had a perfect heart. So when the floor cardiologist came in saying he had damage to the heart, this came as a real shock. There were numerous things that happened that day the worst being an overdose of blood pressure reduction meds, causing his blood pressure to fall to dangerous levels. So they rushed him to the ICU, where they put him on IVs of medication to bring his blood pressure back up, however with the damage they had discovered in the heart, it reduced it’s ability to hold it’s own without the meds.

So this brings me back to that Friday morning when the ICU Dr came in to talk to Ellison and I. His words were those our ears and hearts are NEVER EVER ready to hear. He said the chemo they had been giving Ellison in hopes of getting rid of the Thyroid cancer he had been fighting for some 16+ years had alas caused irreparable damage to his heart. Then those dreaded words, “There is nothing more we can do.”

My heart was in my throat, and yet in the midst of this I still held to the hope that God can do a miracle, knowing nothing is too hard for him. Ellison on the other hand knew his time was limited, and immediately began writing the messages out to each of us that he loved, telling us the things that were on his heart. His words to the Oncologist who came to see us that evening were, “I am ready for Heaven.” There were tears that flowed freely as the realization was there that our days together here on earth were numbered and few, unless God saw fit to do a miracle. Calling me to his bedside he thanked me for standing by him through what had been a deep dark valley, and telling me how very much he loved me. Then his mother Diane who he thanked for being such a good mother and support, telling her he would see her again one day in heaven. Next my sister Sharon, who he thanked for standing by me in my decision in the beginning, of pursuing a relationship with him, and for standing behind me as a strong support during our extended time in the hospital as well as the weeks we spent at home afterward. He also messaged his brothers Tony and Michael with things he had on his mind.

As Saturday morning dawned, Sharon had spent the night with us and when we awoke, they immediately started making preparations to get Ellison ready for us to go home. It was evening before everything was finally ready and I followed the Ambulance home. My family came in that night and my brother Jonathan and his wife stayed here with Ellison and I. Jonathan offered to stay in the living room with Ellison so I could get some much needed rest, although I had a monitor in my room to which I awakened frequently during the night checking to make sure everything was ok.

He seemed to have a fairly decent night and about 6:00 AM I got up and stayed up with him so Jonathan could get a few hours of sleep. I had no idea that would be Ellison’s last night on this earth, and as he awakened, I told him “Good morning Honey” to which he replied with his lips “Good morning” and we gave each other a good morning kiss which would be our last.

As the day wore on, friends and family came and went, some from near, some from far, some staying into the early afternoon hours. Friends brought food and we ate lunch together. Jamie, Ellison’s friend and Co-worker and I sat with him for hours that afternoon, and at one point he furrowed his brow like he was seeing something and he reached out his hand in the air in front of him like he was reaching for something he was seeing. After that I saw a change, and I told his Mom and Aunts, it won’t be long. Phone calls were made and messages sent, and the family all came. We hugged and cried as we knew we were in our last hours here on earth with one we loved so much. About an hour before he died, Brother Lee and his wife Jelena came, and brother Lee led in prayer. As brother Lee began to pray, Ellison’s eyes which had not focused for a good long while came completely into focus as he heard the voice of his dear friend and Pastor leading in prayer that God would take him in peace through that valley of death through which he was already beginning to pass. As we were all there around his bed he so peacefully began to breathe slower and slower, until finally it stopped, and his Soul departed to ever be with the Lord Jesus his Savior whom he loved so much. He had fought a good fight, he had kept the faith, and then he had went to where his crown was laid up for him.-to be continued